


When I Look And I Find I Still Love You

by nachaelsquared



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Barebacking, Birthday, Birthday Presents, Blow Jobs, Cock Warming, Couch Sex, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Making Up, Riding, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-08 07:23:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21472216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nachaelsquared/pseuds/nachaelsquared
Summary: John and Roger have a heart-to-heart moment on John's 36th birthday, and Roger gives him a few presents.
Relationships: John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 12
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rac06h10ael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rac06h10ael/gifts).

> The first chapter is just a cute Dealor/Joger story I wrote, the second chapter will be a smut scene. Enjoy!
> 
> If anyone was wondering, the title is from the lyrics to "These Are The Days Of Our Lives" by Queen.

"I can't believe our baby is finally becoming an adult."

"Fred, I'm 36 now. I've been an adult for a while," John smiled, handing his best friend his extravagant coat.

"I know, I know. But I'll always see you as my baby," Freddie pouted while slipping on his boots and the coat that had been extended to him. John swatted his friend's hand away as the oldest of the group reached out and playfully pinched his cheek. 

"How come  _ I'm _ not your baby?" Roger's sarcastic voice filled the hallway as he walked up behind John. 

"Perhaps it's because you're too busy being his partner in crime," Brian chimed in, brushing past the two youngest members to grab his own shoes placed neatly near the door. "Sometimes I think you guys are two halves of a whole idiot." Freddie feigned offense at the guitarist's comment and scoffed, placing a hand on his hip. 

"I would beg to differ that we're both geniuses; Freddie gives me all my best ideas," Roger added, wrapping his arms around John's waist from behind and hooking his chin over the younger man's shoulder.

"He's right," Freddie grinned, leaning towards Brian. "The smartest thing he ever did was ask John out...and I'm the one who gave him the courage to do so." 

John felt a blush creeping up on his face and brought his hands up to rest on top of Roger's, which were positioned around his stomach. "Well thank you guys for coming over for dinner, I really appreciate it."

"Of course, John," Brian smiled and grabbed the doorknob. "We'll see you guys tomorrow at the studio." 

"Hopefully we'll be on time. Might have some wild plans for tonight," Roger murmured loud enough for all of them to hear. Brian shook his head, letting out a small laugh as he opened the door. Freddie winked at the pair before making his exit, yelling something about having a great birthday once he had made it down their driveway. Brian followed shortly behind him and closed the door upon his departure, mumbling a goodbye to his friends.

Once he was sure their friends were gone, John turned around in Roger's arms and brought his hands up to play with the collar of the drummer's shirt. "Why must you try to embarrass me in front of them?" 

Roger smiled and moved his hands to his partner's waist, giving his hips a small squeeze. "Oh come on, you know I love acting cheeky. And I'm pretty sure Fred and Brian know what we get up to." The blonde finished his sentence with a quick peck to John's lips and a quirked eyebrow.

"Well you don't need to give them any ideas! I'd like to keep some things private," John responded, lightly smacking Roger on the chest. 

"Like this?" Roger quipped, giving John a swift smack on his backside. The brunette gasped at the action and acutely stepped a half step backwards, knowing where the situation could easily lead.

"Just for that, you're helping with the dishes," John grinned, walking past his partner into their comfy dining room. 

"You know I would've helped anyways," Roger called out as he made his way to the kitchen, leaning against the counter near the sink.

A few months prior, the pair had decided to settle down into a small but decent sized house in Southwest London as their fast-paced rock star life of traveling the world had started to slow down. The transition was hard on everyone in the band, but John had settled into a simpler life the easiest. He adored sharing a house with Roger, having a home he could decorate with memories of their exciting life so far while being presented the opportunity for new ones each day. On the other hand, his drummer companion didn't appear to feel the same. Roger wasn't used to much change and the sudden switch of life style was a lot for him to take in; it's not that he didn't fantasize of the idea of settling down with John, but it was in fact the realness of it all that stalled his emotions. He was, in all honesty, scared to take off his rock n' roll bad boy mask and show how willing he was to give it all up for the younger bassist. 

Roger couldn't help the grin the sprawled across his face as John teetered into the room, balancing all the plates, cups, and silverware in his arms that he could manage. They cleaned the dishes in a comfortable silence, the only sounds in the house coming from the clatter of dishes and the soft hum of a radio that had been left on in the living room. John did most of the hard work, rinsing the dishes, before handing them off to Roger who was content to only have to dry them off hastily with a towel and place them in the dish rack.

Roger softly cleared his throat as John washed the last of the silverware, setting down his towel. "Wanna join me outside for a smoke once you're done?"

John looked up from the sink, a small smile on his face. The sight made Roger's heart melt; despite how many years they'd spent together, Roger couldn't believe he'd had the honor of making the timeless man in front of him beam to the point of showcasing his captivating gap-toothed grin. "I'd love to."

"Great, I have to go get a lighter. I'll meet you out there." Roger ended his statement with a chaste kiss to John's cheek, acting as if they were going to be separated for more than a few minutes. 

John finished the dishes at a slow pace, giving Roger time to mill about the house to find his essentials and settle himself in a lawn chair in their backyard. The bassist felt his heart tug at the sight of his partner sitting outside as he turned off the tap, making his own way out the back door; he wasn't exactly sure why it got to him, but the visual of Roger smoking and soaking up the last rays of sunlight, sitting in contempt thinking about who knows what, stirred something inside of him. John took the seat next to his lover, just a small sliver of space separating the chairs, both of them facing the small garden of colorful flowers that were in full bloom. Roger handed a cigarette to his partner and lit it once it was settled between the brunette's lips. 

"Did you enjoy your birthday?" Roger asked, snaking his free hand over the space between them to clasp around John's. 

The bassist took a long drag of his cigarette, squeezing his partner's hand. "I did. I don't like celebrating that I'm old now, but I appreciate all you and Fred and Brian did for me today."

Roger rolled his eyes, dropping the little remains of his cigarette into an ashtray he had set in the grass below them. "Oh please, you'll never be old to me." John turned his head at the comment, a faint blush spread across his cheeks, while shivering at the sudden coolness now that the sun had finally set. "Why don't you come sit with me? It'll be much warmer."

John rolled his eyes, knowing what Roger was actually hinting at with his suggestion. Nevertheless, he stood up and draped himself onto the blonde and scrunching up as much as possible in the small chair meant for only one person. The brunette stared up at the moon, taking one final drag as Roger wrapped his arms around John's torso. The drummer took the small stub of cigarette out of John's mouth to join it with his own in the ashtray and John rested his head on Roger's shoulder, his other hand coming up to rest on the older man's chest. 

"Do you really want this?" John asked the question so quietly, Roger wasn't sure he heard it correctly.

"You sitting on my lap? Yeah it's fine, I don't mind."

"No, not that," John let out a small laugh against Roger's neck. "I mean...do you really want to be with me? To have a life with me?"

Roger squeezed John against him tighter, concern creeping up into his mind. "What are you talking about, Deaky? Of course I want to be with you, what makes you think I don't?"

John sat up so he could see Roger's face and gently brought his hand up to cup his lover's cheek. He felt bad for bringing it up, the sadness apparent in the blonde's eyes and he looked up at the younger man, but knew he couldn't hold it in any longer. John sighed and rubbed a thumb along Roger's cheek before speaking. "You just have been acting...different ever since we bought this house. I know you aren't as excited to settle down as I am but sometimes it makes me wonder if you really wanna keep this up. We've been together for a while and I'd never want to share my life with anybody else, but I just don't know if that's what  _ you _ want too." 

"Deaky," Roger croaked out, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Words seemed to escape him at the confession and he noticed John looking down at the ground and biting his lip, a sign that he was nervous that Roger had picked up on in the many years they had spent together.

"Sorry for bringing it up," John whispered, shaking his head in shame. "It's stupid, I shouldn't have said anything. I-"

"No," Roger cut the younger man off, taking his lover's hand off of his cheek to hold it in his own. John stopped talking but continued to stare at the ground, a few tears sliding down his face. "Look at me, John," Roger quietly but firmly commanded. The bassist reluctantly lifted his head to meet the drummer's gaze, letting out a small breath. They both waited with baited breath as Roger struggled to think of the words to describe his feelings. John waited a few moments before detaching himself from the embrace and standing up to walk back inside. 

"Wait!" Roger pleaded, standing up to block John from walking away. "I'm struggling to find the right words to say to you, John. I-I don't wanna mess this up or say the wrong thing."

"It's fine, Rog," John sniffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "If you're gonna leave, you don't have to let me down easy. I can handle it."

"John, I'm not leaving you. I would never think to do such a dumb thing, especially on your birthday. I'm not that big of an arsehole," Roger laughed, mainly at the absurdity of the situation. "I'm struggling to describe to you how much I love you, and this life we have. It's hard to swallow my pride and admit it...but I'm embarrassed at how much I want this, how much I want you." The blonde closed the small gap between them, placing his hands gingerly on John's waist. "You know I love you, John. And I want all of this as much as you do, I'm just not as good at showing it, I guess."

John leaned into Roger's embrace, burying his face in the older man's neck. "I feel so stupid," John mumbled into his partner's skin, his shoulders sagging while Roger held him. 

"Don't," Roger shook his head gently. "I didn't make my feelings very transparent. You know I'm notoriously emotionally constipated." They shared a small laugh at the joke, the unnecessary tension in the air around them beginning to dissolve. "Do you still remember our first date?" Roger suddenly asked, causing John to lift his head and stand up straight.

"Of course I do," John smiled. "How could I forget?"

_ John swallowed his nerves and finally gained the confidence to knock on the flat door, holding a few flowers behind his back. Time seemed to tick on as slow as possible, giving the nineteen-year old too much time to begin overthinking things again. He was about to just run and hide when the door swung open, pouring light into the dark and dingy hallway.  _

_ "You must be John! I remember seeing you at a Smile concert! Roger has been talking about you since you met him," An extraordinarily fabulous dark-haired man almost screamed, clasping his hands together. Before John even had time to think of a response, Roger emerged at the other man's side. _

_ "Fred! What did I tell you about answering the door tonight?" Roger looked frazzled, his demeanor and slight blush giving away the facade of his rigid face _

_ "Ugh, fine," Freddie's voice exuded an amount of confidence John hadn't even know possible. "I'll go out and leave the flat to you two new lovebirds. Nice to formally meet you, John." He stuck his hand hand out and John scrambled to give him a firm handshake. _

_ "Likewise," he smiled, hoping he didn't sound too awkward. Freddie blew them a kiss as he moved past John to search for some fun of his own in the dark of the night. _

_ "Come on in, John. I'm really sorry about Freddie, he's my best friend and flatmate...and world renowned nuisance," Roger joked, trying to act as if he wasn't completely embarrassed at his friend's words. John let out a small, nervous laugh and stepped into the flat, letting Roger take his coat from him and handing over the flowers. _

_ "Your place looks very nice," John nervously breathed, walking into their cramped living room and sitting down on the couch.  _

_ "Thank you, Freddie does most of the decorating." Roger anxiously sat on the couch next to John, not wanting to scare him away by sitting too close but not so far away as to seem disinterested.  _

_ As the night went on, they ate some take-out Roger had ordered, admitting that he wasn't much of a cook, and putting on a few rock records the drummer had brought from his childhood home. As the night went on, they easily fell into comfortable conversation, learning more and more about each other's personal lives. They both slowly closed the space between them on the couch, eventually sitting with their thighs pressed together and too wrapped up in their conversation to notice how much time had passed. Once the clock chimed to let them know it was midnight, John reluctantly stood up. _

_ "Well," he looked at the floor while Roger stood up shortly after him. "I should probably get going." _

_ "Y-yeah," Roger stammered, leading him to the door. "I really had a good time tonight, John." _

_ "Me too," the younger man smiled, putting on his coat. "I'd like to do this again...if that's alright with you." _

_ "Yes, yeah, I'd love to," Roger fiddled with his hands, his normal tough guy exterior completely disintegrated around the brunette.  _

_ They stood awkwardly near the door, neither man knowing how to properly end their date. Roger slowly leaned towards John, giving him ample time to move away if the blonde had completely read the situation wrong. John's heart hammered in his chest as he met Roger in the middle, their lips pressing together for the first time, not knowing they'd be sharing many more kisses in the years to come. _

"God, I was so nervous to go to your place," John laughed, fondly bringing the memory back to life in his mind.

"You were nervous?" Roger grinned. "Freddie basically told you I was a creep thinking about you all the time. But wow, when you stood in that doorway I knew you were the one."

"What? To play for your band?"

"No, you goof. The one for me," Roger playfully pinched John's side, causing both of them to start giggling. "Speaking of which…," Roger started but trailed off, earning a quizzical look from the bassist. "I know you said you didn't want any gifts this year but I had to get you one thing." John sighed and was about to give his partner a lecture about buying presents, but was promptly cut-off by the drummer. "Before you complain, just come inside and see what it is."

The pair walked briskly hand-in-hand back into their house, Roger leading John into the living room and making him sit down on the couch. "Hold on, close your eyes," Roger demanded, scurrying out of the room. John sighed and obediently closed his eyes, realizing how excited his boyfriend was about this. He suppressed a smile at the sound of Roger padding back into the room and stopping somewhere on the carpet in front of the couch where John was seated. "Okay, you can open them."

John felt as if all the wind was knocked out of him as he drank in the sight before him: Roger kneeled on one knee in front of him, holding out a simple gold band resting in a velvety box. "I know we can't actually get married," Roger breathed, his nerves starting to get to him. "But you're my one and only, and even if we can't legally bind our love I want you to know there's nothing in this world more important to me than you. So technically it's not a marriage proposal, but will you take this ring as a symbol of how much I love you?"

John furiously nodded his head and croaked out a response of yes, still in shock. Roger took the band out of the box and slid it on to his partner's ring-finger, pressing a kiss to his knuckle once it was properly on. The brunette lunged forward to wrap his arms around Roger, knocking both of the over onto the living room floor. They both started laughing, tears trickling from both of their eyes as they laid together. "I love you," John murmured into Roger's shirt before rolling to lay on top of his lover.

"I love you too," Roger smiled up at the bassist, placing his hands on John's thighs. "How about one more birthday present?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the smut! Sorry I got kinda out of hand with the sweetness but I couldn't help myself.

"And what would that present be?" 

"_Me_, obviously," Roger grinned, gripping onto John's thighs as he stared up at the younger man straddling him.

John hummed, resting his hands on Roger's chest. "That's funny, I think I've gotten that one before."

"Aren't some presents worth receiving more than once?" Roger pouted, trying to look innocent.

"I suppose so," John answered, rocking his hips back and smirking when he felt Roger's hardness against his bottom. The older man suppressed a gasp at the contact but decided to tease his partner right back by ghosting one hand up John's clothed thigh to rest just next to the growing bulge in his tight jeans. "Can I at least get my present somewhere more comfortable than the living room floor?"

"Maybe you are getting old," Roger teased. John simply rolled his eyes at the comment and moved off of his partner to stand up, extending a hand to help the drummer off the ground. The blonde happily accepted the help but instead of turning to walk upstairs he promptly flopped down onto the couch, much to John's surprise. "What?" Roger quipped, pulling John down to straddle his lap again. "You didn't expect me to wait until we got  _ all _ the way to our bedroom did you?"

"You're so impatient," John sighed, smoothing his hands over Roger's shoulders. Instead of responding, the blonde leaned in to press his lips delicately against his partner's and brought his hands to the bassist's waist. John melted into the kiss and unintentionally rocked his hips once again, eliciting a small gasp from the drummer. "We don't even have anything to use down here," John murmured against Roger's lips.

Roger hummed in response, moving his hands down to cup John's backside and resting their foreheads together. "I'll guess we'll just have to improvise." They connected their lips together again and when John moved his hands down to unbutton Roger's shirt, the blonde gently grabbed his wrist. John pulled back with a confused look before Roger responded, "Let me do everything, just relax."

John nodded and bit back a whine as Roger unzipped his pants just enough to slip his hand inside. The brunette let out a shuddery breath and gripped tighter on Roger's shoulders as his lover ghosted his hand over his clothed erection. "Don't b-be such a t-tease."

"What did I just say about relaxing?" Roger muttered before attaching his lips to John's neck. 

The bassist huffed in frustration as the blonde sucked a mark on his neck and continued to trace his fingers around the straining bulge in John's underwear. "Can we at least get our clothes off?" the younger man whined.

Roger slowly pulled back and removed his hand from John's pants, smirking up at him. "Look who's impatient now."

John slid off the older man's lap and stood up in front of the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. "You know, it's been a long day. I might just go to bed instead." 

They both knew it was an empty threat, the flush on his face and strain in his pants giving it away if his unconvincing tone of voice didn't. Despite the fake threat, Roger continued his snarky attitude and was able to thread his fingers into John's belt loops due to their close proximity. He gently tugged John closer to him, the younger man easily obliging to the movement, slotting the bassist between his legs. He kissed a small exposed patch of skin right above the waistband of John's pants, looking up at his partner with his strongest attempt at puppy eyes. "Don't you want me to take care of you?" 

Before John could think of a response, Roger started to slowly slide down the bassist's jeans and moved his mouth to place another kiss just below John's navel. He rubbed his hands back up John's thighs to rest at the waistband of his underwear, looking up again for permission. John gave him a small nod and practically hissed as he was exposed to the cool air. Roger wasted no time licking a stripe all the way up John's cock and fervently took as much as possible into his mouth. John's hands immediately flew to grasp onto his lover's blonde locks and stifled a moan. The drummer pulled back, John's cock escaping his mouth with a filthy popping sound, and clicked his tongue. "Don't hold back, I wanna hear you," he scolded, thumbs pressing into the hips of the man looming over him. 

"Okay," John breathed, the blush spread across his face intensifying at the demand. Roger seemed satisfied with the answer and placed his mouth back around John's cock. He took him down farther than usual, fighting back his gag reflex as a tear he hadn't even realised had formed slipped down his cheek. The moan that escaped from John's lips went straight to Roger's own cock, still uncomfortably constrained in his pants, reminding him how hard he already was just from the start of their festivities. He decided to ignore his own arousal in favor of pleasing John as he swallowed around the length filling his mouth. A particularly rough tug of his hair had Roger moaning and John's thighs trembled under his hands at the feeling. After bobbing his head and occasionally hollowing his cheeks, Roger heard the hitch in John's breath that indicated he was close.

He pulled off once again, jaw aching and chin now covered in spit. The sight refused to let John resist in leaning down to roughly kiss the now debauched looking drummer, hooking his hand under his chin and not caring about the taste of himself in his partner's mouth. Roger took the opportunity to unbutton John's shirt, sliding it off his shoulders once they parted. As John shook his legs out of his clothes that had now pooled around his ankles, the blonde hastily slid off his own pants and underwear, opting to clumsily pull off his shirt instead of wasting the time to properly undo the buttons. 

John resumed his original position, his now bare thighs bracketing Roger's again. The drummer brought his hand up to trace John's lips with his shaky fingers and tried to hold back a whine when the brunette greedily took the digits into his mouth. Seemingly acknowledging the noise, John lapped his tongue around Roger's fingers in an effort to coat them as much as possible when also reminding his partner what his mouth was capable of. The visual of John sitting on his lap with his fingers in his mouth had Roger dangerously close to release so he decided it was time to move on, as much as he would've loved to watch the man in front of him all night.

The bassist held his breath as Roger's hand disappeared out of sight only for him to feel the spit-coated fingers circling his entrance. He struggled to keep his hips still as the first finger almost effortlessly slipped in, but Roger's other hand gripping on his hip grounded his thoughts and movements slightly. When a second finger was quickly added, John hunched over to bury his face in the crook of Roger's neck with his hands braced against the blonde's chest. The gesture made Roger crack a smile that nobody would ever see but he began pumping his fingers in and out, knowing both of them wanted to get to the main event. He felt more than heard John's breathy moans that were muffled by his skin and let out a groan of his own when the brunette gingerly bit at his neck after a third finger was added.

"Please Rog," John pleaded, now breathing heavily against the older man's neck. "Just get on with it."

"As you wish," Roger pulled his fingers out with a cocky smile, earning a quiet whimper from his partner. John sat up and leaned back slightly, wrapping his hand around the blonde's length to thoroughly spread the precum around as makeshift lube. Roger moaned embarrassingly loud at the first proper contact his straining cock had received the entire night.

John's legs trembled with anticipation as his knees sunk into the couch cushions, lining Roger's cock up with his entrance. Roger watched in awe as John slowly sank down onto him, stopping only when the older man was fully inside and their hips sat flushed together. Much to the drummer's surprise, John didn't immediately start moving; instead the younger man chose to keep his hips still as he placed sloppy kisses along Roger's jaw. "I thought you wanted me to get on with it?" Roger quietly questioned, rubbing one hand up and down his lover's back. 

John lifted his head up to look Roger in the eyes, cupping his jaw with both hands. "I'm just trying to enjoy my present. Something wrong with that?" He retorted with a small smirk. Something stirred in Roger's chest as he felt the cool metal of the new gold band against his cheek and John could see it in his eyes. 

"No, no," he muttered while shaking his head. 

"Everything alright?" John asked, tilting his head to the side and softly rubbing his thumb along Roger's cheek. 

"Yes...I-I just," Roger stammered and blinked a few times, seemingly breaking himself from his trance. "I adore being with you, that's all."

John blushed deeper at his partner's words and moved one hand to play with the hair at the nape of Roger's neck. "Well thank you for actually telling me how you're feeling for once," John laughed, pressing a quick kiss to the drummer's lips. 

Before Roger had time to protest John's comment, the younger man finally lifted his hips up until Roger's cock was barely still inside him. The older man gripped John's hips to prevent him from moving back down and smiled when a look of confusion briefly crossed John's face. "I said I'd do everything, remember?" 

A high-pitched moan was ripped from the younger man's throat as Roger enthusiastically thrust his hips up into him. John was content to let Roger continue at the brutal pace but tapped one of his wrists as a silent request for them to hold hands. The drummer happily obliged to lace their fingers together, internally swooning at the feeling of John's ring against his skin, while his other hand continued to hold tightly onto the bassist's hip. Both knew they wouldn't last long, they weren't horny teenagers anymore and had already been close tonight, but neither cared to slow down in favor of chasing their orgasims. 

Ultimately it was Roger who came first, filling John with a low moan and stuttering of his hips. Through his own haze, Roger had enough mind to wrap his hand that previously rested on his partner's hip around John's length and help bring him to the edge. It only took a few moments before John was shaking and clenching around Roger through his orgasim, most of the mess ending up on Roger's hand and chest. The younger man slumped bonelessly against the blonde's chest and resting his head on his shoulder as they both tried to slow their breathing. 

They sat together for many moments, Roger still inside John, simply enjoying each others presence. As he played with John's hair, Roger was the first one to speak. "Aren't you getting uncomfortable, Deaky?"

"A little," John admitted, looking up at the older man. "But I'm nervous if I get up I'll get the couch dirty."

They both laughed at the remark and Roger placed a gentle kiss on the brunette's forehead. "Well, take your time then." 

John smiled and nuzzled his head into Roger's shoulder, not having the energy to make himself get up. Just as he was about to doze off, a quiet voice filled the room once more.

"Happy birthday, my love." 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think about it! :)


End file.
